A Long Way From Sanity
by Lugian Before Swine
Summary: Something very random. You sort of have to read it to know what it is.
1. Something

**Author's Note: Completely and utterly random. I have no idea how this came to me. I'm just insane, I guess.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Artemis Fowl characters**.** I think you know who does.**

**Title: A Long Way From Sanity**

**Chapter 1: Something**

Artemis was walking down the street, thinking about which bank to rob next, when suddenly a giant hole appeared before him. He stepped into the hole, not noticing its presence. He fell down a giant black tunnel before he was dropped into Commander Root's office.

Root jumped. "What in Frond's name is this Mud Boy doing in my office!"

Suddenly Foaly burst through the office doors.

"I summoned him," Foaly stated, and then dragged Artemis to the Ops Booth.

"What are you up to now, Foaly?" Asked Artemis, who this had already happened to twice before.

"I have important news," said Foaly professionally, and he pulled out a small, thin, black suitcase from one of the drawers at the desk. "Look what I found."

Foaly opened the suitcase. Artemis peeked in.

"Isn't it great?" Foaly said with a suppressed giggle. "I found it on the street. Just laying there. Who could do this to this beautiful piece of unsurpassed technology?"

Artemis saw a single piece of smashed taffy in the suitcase.

"Isn't it wonderful!" Exclaimed Foaly. Artemis was not sure how to respond. Luckily, he was saved the trouble of doing that by the sudden appearance of Holly Short.

"Oh, hi Artemis," said Holly. "Again," she added happily.

"Good morning, Holly."

"Foaly, why did you bring him here again?" she asked, shoving away rather roughly the impulse of kissing Artemis on the cheek. **(A/N-Random, I told you!)**

"I brought him here," Foaly started, sensing Holly's impulse, "To see this wonderful piece of technology."

"That's a piece of taffy," Holly told him flatly, once again shoving away her always nagging impulse. One day, she would have to, before she exploded.

"What is taffy? Foaly asked, a genuine look of confusion on his face. He sensed the impulse again and sniggered in his head.

"A candy from above ground," said Artemis smartly, and Holly's impulse flared.

"Oh, why don't you two just go snog in the hallway already!" Shouted Foaly. "I've been waiting forever for this!" **(A/N-Well, you know...random.)**

So Holly grabbed Artemis's arm and dragged him out into the hallway.

Foaly stepped outside into the hallway just as Commander Root stepped out of his office.

His face immediately turned purple. "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE!"

Foaly snickered. "It was bound to happen someday," he told Root.

Root's face turned back to its normal shade of red. "You're right, it was." And he retreated back to his office as if nothing had happened.

After about five whole minutes, the couple sat back down in the Ops Booth. Foaly had returned two minutes previously.

"So..."

"So finally I'm calm," said Holly.

"That did it?"

"Yup."

"Artemis," said Foaly. "You're not speaking. What went wrong? Is Holly a horrible kisser?"

Holly grunted.

"Well, to be honest, no," said Artemis with a faint smile creeping up his face. "That was just weird. Very impulsive."

Holly smirked. "That was the idea."

"Um, about the so-called 'taffy'..." started Foaly, but was interrupted by Root's voice in his communicator.

"Get over to my office. All three of you," he said, and he looked strangely happy.

When all three of them were in Root's office, he pulled back a large curtain that was covering his desk and said, "tah-dah!"

There stood a huge picture, at least 50 times its original size, of Holly and Artemis holding hands.

"I'm so proud of both of you!" Yelled Root, and then he began to cry happily. He ran over to Foaly and gave him a hug. Foaly attempted to back out of it, but there was no use.

After letting go of Foaly, Root yelled, "Let's all have a party in celebration of this new couple!"

Holly blushed. Artemis snickered. Foaly was right. It was bound to happen some day.

**Very odd, I know. Random, as I have already said many, many times. I will type more of these when I think of them. As you can see, I enjoy Arty/Holly pairings. Tell me if you've got a weird story with that pairing! Please review for this story and tell me what you think. Ta-ta for now.**

**The Insane Lugian**


	2. The Chapter with Much CamFoil!

**Author's Note: Woo I'm back! And I figured out how to post new chapters! Yeah! Um, on to the story!**

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately, Colfer still hasn't given me permission to own his characters. Boo hoo hoo.**

**Title: A Long Way From Sanity**

**Chapter 2: The Chapter with Much Cam-Foil!**

Chix Verbil sat down at a picnic table, wanting to eat his lunch. But his lunch was gone. It had disappeared from sight. Of course by cam-foil, he knew, but by the time he reached his hand out to get it, it was gone. And so here he sat at a picnic table, doing nothing.

Trouble Kelp emerged from behind a tree, unseen because he had been wearing cam-foil. He had also stolen Chix's lunch.

Trouble walked over to the table Chix was sitting at, plopping Chix's lunch down on it.

"Cam-foil," sighed Chix. "Right?"

"Correct!" said Trouble, blowing a whistle.

"A whistle?" asked Chix. "What's that for?"

"For this," said Trouble with a smirk, and four huge, muscular sprites came up to Chix and started yelling at him.

Trouble pulled up cam-foil from the middle of the table. A sign sat on it that said 'Reserved'.

Chix began to get beat up, while Artemis and Holly snickered. There were both hiding behind cam-foil, as well, and both of them wore iris-cams. Foaly was having a blast with this footage.

"Go Chix! Get 'em!" Foaly cheered.

Chix, meanwhile, was getting punched.

"Are you getting all of this, Foaly?" asked Holly into her mike.

"Oh, I'm getting it all right," said Foaly, laughing his head off.

Trouble ran off to Artemis and Holly, hiding once again behind his own sheet of cam-foil.

"This is great," said Trouble, almost toppling over from laughter. "Absolutely wonderful. We're finally getting our revenge."

Earlier, Chix had hired a goblin to beat them all up. This was their chance to get back at him. And it looked like they were succeeding.

The sprites proceeded to kick Chix to each other, like a soccer ball.

"He really should not have sat at their table," laughed Holly.

Once the sprites had finished with Chix, they threw him on the ground and began to eat their lunches, which had been hidden in cam-foil under the table.

Once they were sure Chix had been knocked out, Artemis, Holly, and Trouble emerged and handed out three bars of gold to each of the sprites.

"Just wait till he wakes up,"snickered Holly.

"I'll bet Foaly's loving this till the end," smirked Artemis.

"Of course!" said Foaly into their earpieces. "Any day is a good day when Chix is getting beat up."

They all agreed on that.

**Author's Note: You like? Please review!**

**The Insane Lugian**


	3. At Last, It Has Arrived!

**A/N: Look, I finally updated! I told you I would! Yay!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl in any way, shape, or form. The End.**

**Title: A Long Way From Sanity**

**Chapter 3: At Last, It Has Arrived!**

"Foaly, why am I here again?" asked Artemis, who had recently been dropped yet again into Foaly's office.

"Well, you had so much fun last time that I thought you might like to come back," sniggered Foaly, reading through a script that said, 'A Long Way From Sanity, Chapter One' in important looking letters on the front.

Artemis sighed. He sat down in a desk chair and swivelled a bit. Then, finding that swivelling was not his thing, he got up, walked out the door (Foaly took no notice) and began to pace the hallway.

Things looked up when Trouble suddenly came rushing down the hallway, screaming, "Artemis! Just the person I want to see! Look what I found!"

Trouble held out a poster. In fancy lettering, it said, 'You are cordially invited to The Most Magnificent Thing You Will Ever Do In Your Life, We Just Can't Think of a Good Name For it Right Now.'

"Umm," began Artemis, but Trouble explained.

"It's a random outing. You get to sit around this gigantic courtyard and do whatever you want. I thought you would love it, Artemis. It seems like just the thing you would adore to attend."

"Where did you find this thing?" inquired Artemis.

"Under Root's desk. He was bound to show it to us sometime. Anyway-"

"Why were you under Root's desk?" asked Artemis.

"Cleaning. But the point is-"

"Did Root ask you to clean?"

"CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE ARTEMIS!"

"Oh. Of course," said Artemis, looking offended.

"Thank you," said Trouble politely. "Everyone is invited. You know, like you, me, Holly, Grub, Foaly, Root, Butler, Juliet-"

Artemis shifted uncomfortably. "_Everyone_ is invited, did you say?"

"Well, not _everyone._ You know, like, Opal isn't..."

Artemis released a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"And your mom and dad aren't..."

"Okay, I get it now," replied Artemis.

"And neither is the whole of the Council, besides us who are in it..."

"O_kay_, Trouble, I get it now," said Artemis irritably.

"And the swear toads aren't...and J. Argon isn't...and neither is Grub's evil clone..."

"SHUT UP, WILL YOU? GRUB HAS A CLONE?"

"Of course he does," replied Trouble. "Anyway, back to this thing. It's in a week and two days. You gonna be there?"

"I suppose," sighed Artemis.

"Great!" said Trouble. He then rushed away down the hallway, leaving Artemis to himself.

**This will be the only time I will ever post a two-chapter story in _A Long Way From Sanity._ I just feel there should be a break here.**

**R and R, as usual! Have a great day!**

**The Insane Lugian**


	4. Part Two: Courtyards are Confusing

**A/N: I'm baaaaack! ((Everyone backs away slowly)) Okay, yes, I have returned with chapter 4! Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own, yada yada yada blah blah blah**

**A Long Way From Sanity**

**Chapter 4: Part Two: Courtyards are Confusing**

A week and two days had finally passed. Artemis was walking towards the specified courtyard.

When he arrived, he was surprised to see that only Foaly was there. He had thought he was a bit late, but...guess not.

He sat down on the bench next to Foalyand asked him, "Where is everyone?"

Foaly responded with a slight smirk, "Waiting for you."

"Huh?" Artemis was confused.

"SURPRISE!" shouted the rest of the group, jumping out from behind various bushes.

"Oh, um, hi," said a shaken Artemis.

"Now everyone is here!" shouted Grub, then proceeded to pull out a jump rope and start jumping.

No one seemed to take any notice of this.

Just as people began fanning out and doing their own stuff, a giant cat appeared from behind a tree.

"Giant kitty!" shouted Foaly, and then everyone began running away.

The kitty purred innocently.

The group inched closer.

The kitty licked a paw.

The group inched ever closer.

The kitty suddenly turned into a monster and began to rampage the courtyard.

The group inched closer yet, then realized what was going on and backpedaled furiously.

"MEEOOOOOOOW!" hissed the kitty venomously, and charged right for the group.

"We have to do something!" yelled Holly.

"WE KNOW!" yelled everyone else. A tree branch smacked her on the head.

The kitty lunged, reaching for Root's head, and missed by a hair's breadth.

Root pulled out a fungus cigar, sat on the bench, and went into his happy place.

–Inside Root's happy place–

_Fungus cigars danced around, chanting something that sounded oddly like "Off with your head" in sickly sweet tones. A picture of a demon hung beautifully on a transparent wall. A white couch danced playfully with a zebra, while a palm tree did the disco. A giant, evil, mutant mouse from hell sipped a glass of cherry coke. It wore a frilly dress. A cocktail waitress was having her body buried in the sands of the beach, which was bordered by wonderfully sparkling gray, dismal water. Someone was screaming._

–Back to the courtyard–

Holly got out her Nutrino and zapped a hole in the kitty. It fell over in mid-growl and died.

Everyone let out a breath that they didn't know was being held.

Guards rushing in from the office building next door, screaming about how this venture was unsafe and why were they here, anyway?

Trouble explained about the flyer.

The guards looked puzzled for a minute, then both starting laughing.

"What?" asked the group as a whole.

One guard cleared his throat and said, "This courtyard was set up for five giant evil cats to have a playdate. You want _that _courtyard." And he pointed a courtyard across the street.

All was silent, then...

_Zap. Zap._

Two guards lay, painfully wounded, on the ground.

Holly smirked, holstered her Nutrino, and walked out of the courtyard.

Tree branches whacked the remaining group members on the head.

_The End_

**Strange, eh? Then again, all of my stories are...**

**Review, please!**

**The Insane Lugian**


	5. Basketball, Part 1

**A/N: Well, very strange this one is. It also has two parts, like last time. This is, obviously, part one.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own**

**A Long Way From Sanity**

**Chapter 5: Basketball, Part 1**

**GET ON WITH IT!**

_No one ever seemed to realize before that basketball is quite the dangerous sport. Why, people have died!_

"They have not, you crazed centaur."

"Yes they have!"

"And where did you hear about this?" asked Holly smoothly.

"_Tabloids Abound_ Magazine," Foaly stated proudly.

"I'm gone." Holly walked out of the room.

Before she was out of earshot, Foaly called, "I challenge you to a basketball game! We can be the captains, and we'll see if anyone gets seriously injured!"

Holly agreed.

—_Fowl Manor_—

"I feel like I'm being sucked into a giant whirlwind again," called Artemis to no one in particular.

"Us too," called Butler. He and Juliet were in the kitchen preparing lunch.

Very soon, all three of them landed in the Ops Booth. It was empty.

—_LEPrecon Headquarters_—

"It's going to be hosted right now, right outside these doors," said Holly, pointing towards a set of giant double doors after everything else had been explained. "Foaly and I are the captains. I get to pick first, as soon as we get outside."

The whole gang filed outside, including, (quite randomly), Butler's Great Aunt Gertrude.

Holly took her first pick. "I pick Juliet."

Juliet stood next to Holly.

"Butler," said Foaly.

"Trouble."

"Mulch."

"Root," was Holly's next.

"Grub," picked Foaly.

Holly cocked her head. This left Artemis and Butler's Great Aunt. Who to choose? Both were probably equal in skill, agility, and physical condition. Hmm...

"Just pick somebody!" shouted Foaly.

"...I'm thinking of a number, between 1 and 100,000. Take your guess."

"50,000," said Gertrude.

"1," stated Artemis simply, with a tiny little shrug of his shoulders that made Holly unexplainably fall in love with him, bend down on her knees, begin to weep, and think of her number, which was 100,000, with five zeros hacked off the end of it.

"Artemis...YOU'VE CHOSEN THE RIGHT NUMBER!" she shrieked, happy tears streaming down her face, her running up and embracing him, Foaly shouting, "In the name of Frond, get a room," and Artemis squeezing out of her tight hug.

"Okay...Gertrude it is then," sighed Foaly.

The game was set up, the players in position, some random person was just about to blow a whistle when-

The author decided to end Part 1 right here.

**Tiny little cliffy! Hope you enjoyed! I couldn't resist** **putting that part in there about Holly falling in love...in my mind, in the little video of this story, Artemis looked really hot doing that...don't know what you thought of, but...Holly loves him in the actual books anyways, I'm sure of it!**

**Well, I'm off to snog my imaginary Artemis-which is kind of creepy when you think about it, but...ah well.**

**I bid thee farewell!**

**The Insane Lugian**


	6. Basketball, Part 2

**A/N: Holy cheese on rye, it's been a flippin' YEAR since I've updated. Wow. You probably all hate me now. You don't understand how TERRIBLE I feel. It's like there's this cheese-hungry demon clawing at the insides of my stomach, screaming, "YOU FAIL AT LIIIIIFE!!" And believe me, that is pain none of us want to endure.**

**Disclaimer: ((I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel--)) … Umm, Lugian doesn't own. A-yup. That's about it.**

**A Long Way From Sanity**

**Chapter 6: Basketball, Part 2**

"Ready, set…annnnddd…GO!!"

The random person from Chapter 5 blew a whistle, and the game was _on. Oh yah. Skills._

A random commentator suddenly appeared out of nowhere. He began to speak.

"And there goes Foaly, with the ball, up the court. He bypasses Juliet, Trouble, and…oh, Holly knocks the ball out of his hand. That's illegal. Too bad we don't have a referee.

"And there goes Holly. She passes to Root, and he—aww, he tripped. Well. That was sad.

"Now Butler has the ball. He approaches half court. He speeds past Artemis, Root, Trouble, and…oh no, out of nowhere, Juliet punches him in the face. Wow, that was really unfortunate, folks.

"Juliet with the ball. She passes to Root, who passes to Holly, who passes to Artemis, who—collapses. Arty, m'boy, you seriously need to work out a bit more.

"Now Mulch has the ball. It appears as if he's going to pass to—wait a second—he's burrowing underground!? Hey, hey, that's totally not fair—"

_--10 minutes later, after things have been sorted out—_

"Okay, we are back in action and Mulch is in the dugout. Hehe, dugout. Get it? No, seriously, he's off the court. Wait, I'm getting a fax. … Yes, folks, I know there are no dugouts in basketball. It was a joke, see, just a joke, okay? Yes, okay. Let's get back to the drama, shall we?

"Gertrude has the ball. She passes to Foaly. Foaly trips and…oh, man, that's gotta hurt. Wow, that's definitely going to leave a mark.

"Foaly is sitting with Mulch in the sidelines. Wow, his team is really taking a beating. Alright, we have Artemis with the ball. Pssh, like he'll even be able to dribble it. … What did I tell you, folks? Little Arty drops the ball, and…he's skidding out. WOW. I didn't know it was possible to be such a huge klutz.

"So we have three players on the sidelines. Th—scratch that…we have four. Juliet just broke a nail. Looks like she'll be out for a long, long, long time, folks.

"Trouble has the ball. He passes to Holly. Holly—would have scored, if Butler hadn't blocked her.

"So now we have Butler with the ball. He passes to Gertrude. Gertrude goes for the hoop. She shoots…oh, that one was _just_ about 5 feet too low. Okay, so now Grub has the ball. And Root is running up behind him. What the heck is he thinking, the kid is gonna freak out—"

_--Fifteen minutes later; Grub and Root are both out of the game…--_

"…Well, that was weird. ANYWAY, Holly has the ball. She passes to Trouble, who shoots…aww, and misses by mere centimeters. Well, better luck next time.

"Now Gertrude has the ball. She passes to Butler, who goes for a slam dunk…OH, but Holly head-butts him in the back, and just in time, too. Well, he's out.

"And Trouble has the ball. He passes to Holly. Holly goes for the hoop. She reaches…and Gertrude steps on her foot. Oh, that's gotta be bad. Well, there goes Holly off to the sidelines…

"Now it's a battle between Trouble and Gertrude. Gertrude has the ball, and—what's this—passes it to Trouble?! Hang on a second, folks—"

_-Lalalalalalala…lalala…lalala…lalalalalalala…lalalalalalaaaaaaa…-_

"Ok, now that that's been sorted out…Trouble has the ball. He approaches Gertrude's net. He shoots…and misses. Man, he's having a really bad day today.

"Gertrude bends to retrieve the ball…man, she's really slow…OOHHHH, man, that did not sound good. It appears as if Gertrude has cracked her back. Oh dear. She's on the floor…SOMEONE GET A PARAMEDIC!"

_-Hello, and welcome to We-Are-Waiting-For-the-Author-To-Finish-the-Darn-Story Show. Come in, have a seat. Today's topic is beefalows. Yes, a beefalow is a cow-buffalo hybrid bred specifically for human consumption. Mmmmmmmm good. Don't you want a beefalow right now? Actually, I personally don't, because I just ate dinner. Good old chicken noodle soup. I don't feel too great, and chicken noodle soup has mystical healing powers, as I hope you know. Okay, that ends our show; tune in next chapter and maybe I'll air another episode. Now back to the actual point.-_

"Well, folks, this game has finally come to an end. And it appears as if Holly's team has won. Yay for Holly—where the heck is she anyway? She seems to have disappeared…Hmm, Artemis seems to be gone, too…strange…I get the feeling there is a conspiracy going on here…

"Well, I guess this concludes my commentary. You enjoyed it, didn't you? Aren't I a FABULOUS sports announcer? That's right, folks, so elect me for city counsel next year—"

_-After the game, inside the Ops Booth-_

"I _told_ you people get hurt in basketball. Why, look at Butler's poor Great Aunt, that was no minor injury…anyway, where the heck were you after the game ended? Your team won, you know."

"I am perfectly aware that my team won, Foaly, and don't think I'm not going to rub it in your face."

"Pssh…so, anyway, _where _were you?"

"It's absolutely none of your business. It's between me and Artemis—"

"Oh ho, so that's what you were doing…ah, snogging…I remember it well…"

"Shut up, you. How do you that's what we were doing?"

"Do you mean to tell me that's _not_ what you were doing?"

"…"

"…"

"…We were in the special snogging closet. You know, the one that locks. The one that only people with seniority go into…"

"Uh huh…well, I'm glad you had fun, Holly…"

"Yeah, sure you are."

"..Ok, I'm not. But what I _really _want to know is how you _found_ the special snogging closet…"

**The end!! Woo-hoo! Another chappie finished:)**

**Yes, I modeled the special snogging closet off of a pre-existent closet at the horseback riding barn I go to…there are other places there you can snog, but that's the best one…don't ask how I know this…I have my ways…**

**Eh hem. Well, I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Come back next time! XD**

**The Extremely Insane Lugian**


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